Artemis Fowl: Day Off (in progress)
by Reckless150681
Summary: What if Artemis Fowl wasn't always an immaculate boy genius, and Butler wasn't always an intimidating bodyguard? Join Artemis and the gang as they get a day off from being part of the cast of one of the most popular young adult series in the world, and see the true sides of their characters. Projected rating: T for language. Tongue-in-cheek fourth wall-breaking story.
1. Prologue

_**PROLOGUE**_

**The Deeps Maximum Security Prison, Atlantis; Now**

**Opal** Koboi sat alone in her isolation cube, chanting under her breath as she attempted to reclaim the levitation skills she had mastered years ago. The incantations she uttered swirled and spasmed with dark magic, and her brow was creased in a hard line.

She sneered inwardly at the elf - at Captain Holly Short of the LEP - who, along with a small group of fairies and humans had put her in here to _rot_. When Queen Opal - no, when _Empress_ Opal broke out of her prison cell, Captain Short would be the first to die.

The pixie smiled. Complex equations ran through her head - the solution to half a decade's worth of plotting. If and when her plan worked, she would be the most powerful being to walk the Earth; she would no longer be pixie, but a being of pure-

She turned in surprise at the sound of her isolation cube opening - a sound she had not heard in years. The surprise turned to anger and rage when she saw who it was that walked in the door.

"Captain Short," she hissed, eyes narrowing and lips curling. "Why are you here? Is it to torment me further with visions and news of the outside world? Is it to finally seek revenge for Commander Root? Is it-"

"Nope," said Holly, a big grin on her face. "Colf's given us a day off."

Opal's face lit up at that as she dropped her act. "Really?" she squealed.

Holly stepped forward to hug her friend. "Really. Now come on - the others are waiting."


	2. Chapter 1: A Day Off

**CHAPTER 1**

_**A DAY OFF**_

**Operations Booth, Police Plaza, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Three hours ago**

**Artemis** ran into the door, waving his phone around. "Guys! Guys! Listen to this! Colf's given us a day off!"

Foaly and Butler looked up in surprise and delight at this, and Holly jumped up to hug her boyfriend. Of course, everyone knew the stories that Owen Colf managed to cook up for their little group, and they loved all the adventures and twists and turns that came with each one, but the occasional break was always welcome.

"Thank goodness," said Butler, throwing his tie onto a nearby chair and unbuttoning the top of his shirt. "This suit was beginning to kill me."

Artemis, who had been hugging Holly tightly, looked up and grinned at him. "I don't know, man," he said, eyes sparkling with good humor. "It's kinda grown on me."

Foaly clopped over, rubbing his hands together. "A break,", he said, cracking his neck. "We haven't had one since you two-" he pointed at Artemis and Holly- "had a honeymoon in Limbo."

Holly rolled her eyes, one of the only things that remained constant between her and her character. "Yeah, but that one was three years long for you. Colf had Arty and me running from demons!"

Foaly waved a dismissive hand. "Whatever. We should let everyone else know about this day off. I'll let the rest of Haven know via the PA system, and I'll get Atlantis to release Opal. Holly, you grab the next shuttle and pick her up. Artemis, you let your parents know, and Butler, you make sure Juliet doesn't lost again."

Now the males were sitting at one of Haven's corner burger joints, enjoying a bite to eat while they waited for Holly and Opal. Colf wrote the fairies as vegetarians, but many of the People actually loved to eat meat, and consequently learned how to make hot dog and burger stands that could be collapsed and hidden in under a minute.

The guys were currently at one such stand. Artemis, having changed into a more casual suit, was drinking a milkshake from a tall glass. Butler had changed into a flowery button-down and Bermuda shorts, taking bites from a cheeseburger wider than a dinner plate. Foaly had changed into his old HIT (Haven Institute of Technology) T-shirt, and was sipping on a soda.

It felt great to get out of character and just relax for a day, and while they waited for the girls to return they brainstormed what to do next.

Foaly brought out a map of the city, tapping a street corner in the southwest district.

"We've been stuck in a series where logic is king and a teenage boy has a better vocabulary than most adults," he started. "We should take some time to do some _normal_ everyday stuff. A cinema opened here not too long ago - I've heard they have the _craziest_ immersive movies - five-axis seats and 3D and all that."

Artemis frowned, almost pouting. "But I wanted to go to that science museum at the end of Main Street."

Butler rolled his eyes at this. "Artemis, you're supposed to be a _genius_. That means you can go while in character and it'd still be consistent."

The boy let out an exasperated sigh. "Fine."

He nudged Foaly out of the way, peering down at the map and trying to find fun things to do. "Still," he said, rubbing his chin, "a movie's only gonna be - what - two hours? Two and a half? We gotta find some other things to do."

A five minute long silence followed that, before Artemis broke the silence again.

"Wow," he said, shaking his head. "I can tell you haven't had a break in a long time."

**The Deeps Officers' Club, Atlantis; Three hours ago**

Holly and Opal walked out of the maximum security area together chatting excitedly and catching up, and headed towards the Officers' Club located in one of the upper levels. Holly generally wasn't allowed here for plot and continuity reasons, but she always made it a point to come every time she wasn't needed. She asked Opal to wait outside, since civilians weren't allowed in, and approached the entrance.

As the double doors slid open soundlessly, Holly stepped in and made a quick scan around the main taproom. She spotted what she was looking for almost significantly: a haze of smoke, and - more importantly - who was sitting underneath the haze of smoke.

"Commander!" she called, waving excitedly at the grizzled elf playing cards with his brother and a group of killed-off LEP officers.

Julius Root - for of course it was he - looked up at the familiar voice calling out to him, and went red.

"SHORT!" he roared. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, EXPOSING US TO THE READERS?"

Holly stood ramrod-straight, forgetting for a moment that she was on break and technically Root was killed off. "S-sir," she stammered, eyes wide in shock and fear. "I didn't-"

Then Root grinned, and put out his fungus cigar . "I'm kidding, Holly. Pony-boy sent us a notice."

Holly's mouth formed a perfect _O_, and she grinned rather abashedly. "Right. Of course. I-I knew that."

Root let out a hearty laugh, clapping Holly on the back and sending her staggering. "Ah, Holly," he said after embracing his former officer. "Colf almost wrote you as a major."

Holly groaned and rolled her eyes. "I _know_. Can you imagine? Me, as a _major_? With a _desk job_?"

Root chuckled and his eyes glinted with humor. "No. Too many _rules_."

They both had a laugh at that, reminiscing about old times. Then Holly said, "I have to go - Opal's waiting for me and we're meeting with Arty and the gang. Too bad Commander Vinyáya isn't here."

Root snorted. "Of course not. Get this - she's dating Briar. Briar _Cudgeon_. Of course, he took off the holographic projectors that gave him that hideous face, but still. Anyway, they ran off as soon as Foaly's message came in. I didn't even get a chance to ask where."

Holly's eyes had opened wide at this tidbit of information. "Wow." Then she looked at her watch and cursed. "Damn it, I've been here too long. I _really_ gotta go now - can't have Opal waiting too long." She gave her former commander one last hug, before skipping lightly out the door.

**Haven's Burger Corner, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

Artemis checked his watch for the tenth time in as many minutes. Where were the girls? The guys had selected six ideas to consider for the day, including going to the cinema and a subterrarium. Of course, with two of their party missing, they couldn't just finalize it; no, they had to wait for Opal and Holly, else it wouldn't be fair to them.

Unfortunately, thought Artemis rather crossly, they're taking their sweet time.

Even Butler - who had attained some of his character's patience - was becoming agitated. He started playing with his watch, cycling through the functions as if automatic.

Foaly, for his part, came prepared. He was engrossed in the latest entry of the _Star Wars_ Expanded Universe, mind playing segments from the movies' soundtracks to supplement his imagination. About two or three chapters in he started humming Darth Vader's theme, having completely forgotten about his company and receiving a simultaneous "_Shut up, Foaly"_ from the two humans.

"Sorry," he muttered, burying his face behind the book's covers. He could sense the irritation and impatience in the group. They still had plenty of time left in the day - in fact, it was barely 8 in the morning - but everyone wanted to get going. Foaly sighed inwardly. He hoped the girls weren't as stressed as the guys were.

**Shuttle AH18, En Route to Haven; Now**

_Pizza, pizza,_

_A wonderful thing,_

_If you love it too,_

_This song you sing!_

Opal groaned as the pizza gnomes broke into the one hundred and twelfth verse of the pizza song, covering her ears and rocking slightly back and forth. Holly grinned at her sympathetically, patting her head (which earned her a dirty look) before joining in for the last sixteen verses. She recalled how she was supposed to hate the then-114-verse song during _The Eternity Code_, but in reality she found it funny and really catchy; in fact, she had written a few of her own verses during her free time.

As she harmonized with the gnomes for the last major chord (at least, it was supposed to be a major chord; not all the gnomes were musically inclined), she saw the Haven shuttle port and the massive crowds. Word had gone around quickly about the day off, and fairies were flocking to the surface while humans were flocking to the underground. This would likely be only chance in a long time to visit the other species' world, and many were eager to learn more about the other's seemingly-alien culture, whether written or actual.

As the shuttle's doors opened, Opal literally jumped to her feet. She pulled on Holly's arm, almost dragging her along.

"Come on," she said, annoyance forgotten. "I wanna see Arty and Butler and Foaly."

They attempted to weave their way through the crowd, dodging surges of people and slowly but surely making their way to the exit. Holly saw the LEPtraffic officers struggling to help the port authorities keep up with the steady flow of people, and - not for the first time - was glad she was on Recon. Being part of Traffic was never a good experience, especially since careless swear words were projected on the screens of the traffic suit and you were essentially considered a walking signpost.

Of course, every LEP officer had to do at least six months of Traffic. Holly remembered her own stint and how she had been the first initiate to tag Root with her paintball gun. Colf had dramatized the encounter a little more, giving Turnball Root - the Commander's older brother - a backstory, but in reality she had hidden motionless in a tree for three straight days and nights before shooting the commander as he walked underneath.

As Holly let herself be led on by Opal, she chuckled at the memory - and promptly walked right into a pole. At the same time, a large group of Chicago-bound fairies swarmed from the right, slamming into her multiple times and nearly trampling her.

**Haven's Burger Corner, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

"_Halo_."

"_Star Wars_."

"_Halo_."

"_Star Wars_."

"_Halo_."

Butler slowly looked up from his comic, silencing the bickering with a steely gaze. It had only been ten minutes since last time Artemis had checked his watch, and now he and Foaly were locked in a battle to determine whether the full force of the _Halo_ universe or the _Star Wars_ universe would win. Butler wasn't paying enough attention to truly understand what was going on, but he was fine with the arguments that both sides offered - until it had deteriorated into simply repeating the name of each combatant's respective universe.

Artemis and Foaly glared at each other for a few minutes, before Foaly muttered, "_Star Wars_," again, picking up the argument from where it left off.

Butler sighed.

_Where are the girls?_

**Haven Shuttle Port, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

Holly's head swam for a good ten seconds, before the stars cleared and she could see again.

"D'arvit", she swore upon realizing that Opal was nowhere to be found. They had been separated in that last wave of people.

"D'arvit, d'arvit, d'arvit." Holly kept muttering to herself as she tried in vain to find her friend. After ten minutes of going in circles, elbowing incoming tourists and pushing away outgoing fairies, she decided to head to the exit. Hopefully Opal would have the same idea, and even if they couldn't find each other Holly could get Foaly to track her down with the seeker-sleeper implanted in her arm and have her meet the rest of the group somewhere.

The exit was relatively close by distance, but the throngs of people and People trying to cram as much excitement into this one day as they could severely hampered Holly's process. Eventually, she let out an exasperated huff, and climbed the person immediately in front of her and hopped head to head until she reached the terminal's double doors.

She saw here that Opal did indeed have the same idea as her, and was standing with her back against the wall, checking her fingernails. She glanced up as Holly approached her, rolling her eyes.

"Finally," she said, more than a little irritated. "I thought you were smothered to death in there."

Holly stretched her arms and cracked her neck. "I almost was. Anyway, let's go." She set off along the main road, Opal following grumpily behind.

**Haven's Burger Corner, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

By now Butler had his forehead on the table. He was bored to tears, and the two nerds duking it out about science fiction franchises were not helping his headache. He groaned, looking up towards the advertisement billboard across the street. As his eyes passed the road level, though, he saw an elf and a pixie walking towards the burger stand.

He perked up immediately, and jabbed Artemis and Foaly in the side, saying, "They're here."

Artemis leaned back out of his chair to get a better view, and gave a ridiculously wide grin.

"Holly! Opal!" he said, getting off his chair to give his friend a hug and his girlfriend a kiss. "What took you so long?"

"Well," began Opal, eyes glinting as she prepared to lay all the blame on Holly as revenge for the pizza song, "Holly just _had_ to go to-"

"Yeah, yeah," said Foaly, clopping over. "C'mon - we've got an entire day ahead of us."

Opal was disappointed that she didn't get to finish her story - but only a little. The prospect of a day of doing nothing productive was very attractive, and she was eager to get started.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, everything was set and ready. There was actually very little planned out - of the twenty or so activities proposed collectively, the group decided only on a movie, lunch, dinner, and a trip up to the surface for fireworks. The afternoon would be free time for whatever each person wanted to do, and then the group would rendezvous at Police Plaza for dinner with Trouble Kelp and the rest of the force before heading up to the surface.

First things first, though - the movie. Foaly had booked tickets to a film adaptation of _Artemis Fowl_, and everyone - Artemis in particular - was interested in how it would pan out. The film was human-made, so it wouldn't quite hold up to fairy standards, but it had received overwhelmingly positive reviews on the surface and had therefore been brought down underground as part of Haven's new goal of importing more foreign films.

"Right," said Foaly, excitement now barely contained. "Let's go!"


	3. Chapter 2: The Red Aisle Players

_**CHAPTER 2**_

_**THE RED AISLE PLAYERS**_

**The Red Aisle Cinema, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

**The** sprite manning the counter looked up as the main characters walked through the cinema doors.

"Ah", he said, stepping out and bowing deeply, "_Monsieurs _Fowl_, _Butler_, et _Foaly_, et Mademoiselles _Short _et _Koboi. Welcome to _L'Allée Rouge_." He waved them forward with a graceful gesture, pausing only to register and confirm their bookings.

He led them to a part of the cinema marked "VIPs only," which had massive double doors obviously meant for human guests.

"Enjoy." The sprite bowed once more, and held the doors open graciously for five of the most famous people above and below the world.

Ever the gentlemen, the males let Holly and Koboi enter first. As they rounded the corner, Opal let out a small sigh at the sight before them.

To merely call the room a theater - or even a luxury screen - would not be a misnomer, but it would be a gross understatement of what it was. The ceiling was easily twenty feet high, enough for even Butler to jump up if he so desired; the walls were decorated with a deep green satin that swirled with intricate golden patterns, giving off a majestic yet naturally beautiful sort of feeling; and the seats themselves were queen-sized beds with slight inclines, complete with feather pillows and a fine red covering made of silk, separated into stalls by marble panels inscribed with the People's history. Each bed had a small, low-light screen where its occupants could order refreshments, and each stall was placed in such a way that ushers would not disturb other viewers.

As Foaly put it, "It's like Heaven under Earth."

Though Artemis and Holly - as the only couple in the group - were perfectly content with the seating plans, the remaining individuals felt varying degrees of discomfort and apprehension at having to share a bed with someone else. Fortunately, Opal found a wide armrest retracted into the mattress that could be extended at ease. With this in mind, Foaly happily agreed to share a bed with Opal - especially since Butler wouldn't have been able to share anyway.

As a VIP member, Foaly was given the authority to start the screening. He allowed everyone else to get settled - Opal and Holly took a trip to the bathroom together, Artemis ordered a large popcorn and drink set, and Butler asked for another two pillows - before finally relaxing himself. He told the usher to start the film, and sat back to enjoy the show.

**Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam**

Ho Chi Minh City. Sweltering by anyone's standards. Needless to say, Artemis Fowl would not have been willing to put up with such discomfort if something extremely important had not been at stake. Important to the plan.

At the moment, Artemis Fowl was waiting for a contact - someone who potentially had information of great importance. His bodyguard, Butler, stood stock-still in the shadows near his charge's table. His battle-hardened, gray eyes scanned slowly back and forth, identifying each individual and determining whether or not they were a threat…

**The Red Aisle Cinema, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

Butler groaned as he saw his character. _Are you serious?_ he thought. _I look like an angrier version of Leigh Nayson!_ Evidently the same thought had occurred to Artemis and Holly, for he heard snatches about Batman and Qui-gon Jinn. He sighed resignedly, knowing he was in for some ribbing afterwards.

_Then again_, he thought later, _we haven't seen the rest of the characters…_

**Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam**

Artemis let out a _tsk_ of annoyance, checking his watch again. Xuan was late. He was just about to stand up and leave when a waiter approached him.

"More tea, sir?" he asked, the ends of his moustache a ridiculous height above his mouth.

Artemis pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling very irritable.

"Sit down and spare me the theatrics, Mr. Xuan."

The waiter started a bit, the tips of his moustache returning to a normal height. He gave a resigned smile, and took the empty seat next to the boy.

"You have information I want." It was not a question, but a statement. Artemis's piercing, blue eyes peered over his clasped hands, gazing right into Xuan's. The poor Vietnamese man felt as if those eyes could see right through him, straight into his soul.

"Y-yes. Of course. Of course." Xuan withdrew a printed polaroid with a shaking hand, handing it over to his suited client. For a moment, he considered drawing his shank and ending this venture right here. He would have to escape the country - and possibly international police - but at the moment it seemed infinitely better than dealing with this boy.

"I wouldn't."

Xuan visibly jumped, wondering if this pale youth could also read minds. Artemis had not taken his gaze from the photograph, examining its contents. He raised an eye as he saw what seemed to be a green arm, but otherwise showed no outward emotion.

He went on. "There is a military-trained blue diamond bodyguard standing somewhere in a ten-meter radius. He has undoubtedly seen the pathetic excuse of a knife you have in your right sock, and has likely guessed your intentions." Artemis looked up at this point and called, "Stand down, Butler."

Butler relaxed his right arm, slipping the throwing knife back into its sheath.

**The Red Aisle Cinema, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

Artemis turned wide-eyed to his girlfriend.

"Wow," he whispered, a note of awe slipping into his voice. "I'm incredible! They got me spot-on!"

Holly giggled at that and headbutted him gently in his cheek. "Way to be modest about it, Mud Boy."

Artemis grinned and started tickling her. He knew all of her sensitive spots, making it that much harder for her to stifle herself. Eventually she curled into the fetal position, writhing and letting out little snorts under Artemis's touch.

"Shut up, you two!"

Foaly's neigh shocked them back into the present, and they separated, Holly finally uncurling and gasping for air. She butted Artemis's arm one more time before leaning against his chest. She realized that they had missed more of the movie than she thought - her own introduction and the deciphering of the Gnommish language, for example - but reasoned that it didn't matter - after all, it was based on _their_ lives and they knew the story better than anyone else…

**Fowl Manor, Ireland**

"Does everyone understand?" Though the question was directed towards both of the other individuals in the room, Artemis locked eyes with Juliet. He knew she had less of her brother's military and bodyguard blood in her - she had knowingly and willingly revealed her first name, for example - and that she was barely out of her teenage years and not much older than Artemis himself.

Juliet rolled her eyes. "Yes, _Arty_. We get it, alright? Don't worry." She flipped her hair out of her face, and went to attend her duties.

The corners of Artemis's mouth dipped slightly, and his brow creased. He knew she was unlike her older brother, but Artemis still wanted complete professionalism from everyone present.

He shook himself mentally. Nothing is completely perfect; besides, there were more tangible things to deal with.

"Right," he said, turning to Butler. "There is a full moon _tonight_. That means we have our chance _tonight_. Gather whatever your materials; we leave in five hours."

Butler gave a single nod and headed towards the armory. He frowned as he considered what he would need - a thermal-proof blind, his customized dart rifle, a duffel bag…

**Tara, Ireland**

Holly slowed her descent, gracefully coming to a stop next to the river that bent around the ancient oak tree. She took off her helmet, allowing her shoulder-length red hair to fall free and rubbed her ears to make sure they weren't dry. She took off her wings, hanging them on a nearby low-hanging branch, and kneeled down to look for an acorn. It was at that moment when she felt something whiz right behind her neck. She instantly dropped into a ball, minimizing her target area, before sprinting towards the oak tree and drawing her Neutrino.

Unfortunately, someone was waiting for her.

**The Red Aisle Cinema, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

Holly gaped at her character. "Am I - am I being played by _Scarlet Johnson_?" She jumped up and down in her seated position, hands clasped in glee. Artemis considered being annoyed at her for distracting him, but decided against it. Instead, he smiled, pulled her close, and leaned his head on top of hers.

They watched as Holly's character failed to escape Artemis's and Butler's grasp, and how Foaly and Root activated Recon and Retrieval in an attempt to get her back. They watched Artemis set up a contraption with the remnants of Holly's helmet, and as Root barely escapes the whaler explosion.

Artemis grimaced at that. "That was totally ad-libbed," he whispered to Holly. "You'll see in the book how I stop in the middle of a sentence and just tell Butler to go to the Japanese whaler." He shrugged. "Not sure if it made any sense realistically, especially since I'm supposed to be smart enough to be two steps in front of you guys the entire time anyway, but, eh. Whatever."

Holly rolled her eyes at him. "Well, at least it made for a more dramatic plot device."

He chuckled softly at that. "True that, true that."

**Fowl Manor, Ireland**

Holly awoke with a groan. She felt her head swim and tried to put a hand on her forehead, before realizing with a shock that her arm was hooked up to an IV bag. Her other arm was free, however, and she tore out the tube just as Artemis walked into her frame of view.

"Ah," he said, smiling smugly, "you have awoken. Excellent. Now, let us get some facts straight here." He cleared his throat and adjusted his tie as Holly tried to get her brain working.

"You," he declared, pointing his index finger up and in front of him, "are my hostage. You are here under my orders and my rules, and you will remain here until I get what I want."

Holly had gathered some of her senses again at this point. "And _why_ would I cooperate with you?" She bared her teeth and bunched up her fists.

Artemis deepened his smile, looking for all the world like a vampire. "Because you are in my house - and therefore, my rules." He shrugged. "At least, that's what _you_ told me."

Holly whipped her head at the IV. It had fallen over in her struggle, and now Artemis approached it. "Sodium pentothal," he proclaimed, removing the bag and dangling it in front of her in an infuriating way. "Truth serum. You told us everything we asked for - including the _geis_ you live by."

The elf gaped several times, looking like a fish out of water, before finding her voice. "You...you don't know what you're dealing with."

If possible, the genius's grin grew more sinister.

"No, my dear, I think I know _exactly_ what I'm dealing with. You are Captain Short of the Lower Elements Police - specifically, the Recon unit. You were attempting to complete the Ritual to restore your powers, and you are being held in Fowl Manor in order to make your superiors hand over the gold that is part of your hostage fund." He leaned in and repeated, "I know _exactly_ what I'm dealing with; the question is, do you?" With that, he straightened up, dusting invisible specks of dirt from the lapel of his suit.

"Now for some ground rules. You are not to leave this house. You may do whatever suits you in the meantime, but I will have you under lock and key and monitored at all times until this venture is over. You will be fed periodically, and allowed to relieve yourself in the restroom down the hall upon request, but apart from that you will spend the next 24 hours - or more - inside this cell."

Holly remained in shock as Artemis walked out the room, closing the steel door behind him. She heard a series of clicks coming from the other side, and knew she was in deep trouble.

"D'arvit."

**The Red Aisle Cinema, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

Opal poked Foaly in the side, eliciting a huff of annoyance. She couldn't help it though - she loved watching movies with others because it was fun to talk to people when things happened.

"Foaly", she said, "he seems so _evil_."

"I know."

There was silence for a moment.

"He wasn't that evil in the original book."

"I know."

_Silence_.

"He even become a good guy in the later books.

Foaly turned towards her with an _Are you serious?_ look. Opal held his gaze for about a minute, then started laughing; the longer she looked at him, the funnier his look got.

This got a snort from Foaly, who decided it was probably in his best interests just to ignore the pixie.

He groaned inwardly. _I just want to watch this movie, _without _distractions from Opal or those two lovebirds…_

**Outside Fowl Manor, Ireland**

Commander Root entered the temporary operations center that Foaly and a bunch of techies had set up. The soldiers on duty snapped to attention as he passed them by.

"At ease." The commander walked briskly to a large screen where Doctors Argon and Cumulus - a psychologist and a behavioral specialist - were analyzing Fowl's ransom demands.

"_What makes you so special?"_ That was the commander's voice.

The image of the boy genius leaned forward on-screen. "_I'm special,"_ it said, "_because I know how to escape the time field."_

Argon and Cumulus turned towards each other at that, muttering in low breaths. Root heard snatches of the technical terminology used in the conversation, but felt that even if he knew the entire context he still wouldn't understand it.

"Gentlemen." The sound of his voice caught the attention of the two doctors, who turned to face him.

"Thank you for coming on such short notice." He gestured to the screen. "As you can see, we have a hostile act committed by a Mud Man - unprecedented since before the People were forced underground. You were brought here to determine if there are any psychological weak points - anything we can use against him to bring Captain Short home."

Argon and Cumulus looked at each other. "None," they said in unison. "He has not shown a breach in composure at all," said Argon. Cumulus took over at this point. "In addition, from the research Foaly gave us, we found he has a mother who has descended into madness - but from what my colleague and I have noted, we have no way of exploiting that without making threats - false threats that he is likely to dismiss."

Root was busy removing his iris cam, swabbing his eye with a cleansing solution. His brow creased further as the two analysts continued their explanation.

"What about his claim about the time field?" he asked, rubbing his eyes. "Is he lying?"

Argon shook his head. "No. He's telling the truth." "At least," Cumulus clarified, "he thinks he is."

Root squeezed his eyes shut, counting to five. When he opened them, there was a new determination burning.

"Fine," he said, voice hardening. "He seems to know our rules. It's time we break a few."

**The Red Aisle Cinema, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

Opal leaned over to Foaly again. "Wow," she breathed, "Julius is _so_ different from-"

"I know."

**LEP Central Holding Cell, Police Plaza, Haven City, the Lower Elements**

Mulch Diggums backed against the far corner in his cell, eyes wide in fear. His two cellmates - both goblins - advanced slowly with murderous glints in their eyes.

"Lookie 'ere, Zayne," said the first goblin. "Them leppers gave us a dwarf."

His companion, Zayne, let out a cackle. "Dey sure did, dinnit ey, Rayne?"

Rayne leaned in to Mulch, peering at him with one eye. "An' you know what we really hate, Zayne?"

Zayne smiled. At least, it was probably a smile; with goblins, smiles looked exactly like snarls and it was very difficult to tell the two apart.

He replied, "We really 'ate dwarves."

Both goblins stepped back and conjured a fireball in each hand. Mulch was visibly dripping with sweat, droplets flying all over the place as his entire body shook. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable burning sensation that marked his end.

"You two! Put 'em out!"

Mulch opened his right eye, and heaved a shuddering sigh of relief, as he let himself fall to the ground. Three LEP officers had entered the cell, armed with buzz batons. The goblins complied immediately - though they locked gazes with their intended victim for a moment before turning away.

Then the officers turned towards Mulch. One pulled out a pair of cuffs and shackled his arms behind his back.

"Hey," yelped the dwarf in indignation, "what are you doing?"

The officer with the cuffs said in a curt tone, "Situation above. Your presence is required by the commander."

**Fowl Manor, Ireland**

Holly opened her palm, careful to have her back to the camera. In her hand was an acorn - the acorn she had bent down to pick up moments before the giant of a man had shot her.

She allowed a satisfied smile to form. Now she had the seeds of a plan. The only thing left was to put the plan in action.

She hesitated for a moment, then got off the cot. She locked her fingers underneath one of the corners, and strained as she pulled the corner up. She let the metal leg drop, and dropped to examine the floor. There was a scuff mark from where the leg hit the concrete floor, and a hairline fracture from where metal impacted concrete.

She stood up, rotating her neck and stretching her arms. The boy had said she was not allowed to leave the house - but he had never said anything about leaving her cell.

**Outside Fowl Manor, Ireland**

"Mulch Diggums." Commander Root shook the dwarf's hand and looked into his eye. "As much as it pains me to admit, we require your services."

"Oh?" Mulch raised an eyebrow. "Do tell."

Root sighed. There is a human holding an LEP officer - Holly, in fact - hostage. So far, he has anticipated everything we have thrown at him - our LEPretrieval team, our _geis_ - even our time-stop. We are running out of options." He looked up at the criminal in front of him. "You have forfeited your magic long ago - and for that we ask you to tunnel in and figure out what he knows - no more. I don't want my top officer dying today."

Mulch nodded thoughtfully. "What's the deal?"

Root held out an official stack of papers. "Fifty years, minimum security. Single cell."

Mulch let out a low whistle through his tombstone teeth and tangled beard. "Wow, you guys must be really desperate."

Root closed his eyes, deep bags underneath beneath them. "You have no idea."

**The Red Aisle Cinema, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

Artemis groaned, covering his eyes. "I think I'd rather not watch this part."

Holly looked at him strangely. "Why not?"

He looked at her, and said one word. "Mulch."

The elf paled and completed his thought. "-and his methods." All of a sudden she also felt quite apprehensive of what was to be on screen as well. Sure, Colf had had Artemis and Holly _actually_ go through Mulch's...recyclings...but those times were always during a writing session - such as stopping the goblin revolution or trying to save the lemur. There was just something..._unappetizing_ about watching Mulch go about his business - especially on the big screen.

So Artemis and Holly satisfied themselves with covering their ears and focusing only on each other.

Then Holly started making faces at Artemis. At first he tried to ignore her, but that would mean turning towards the screen - something he definitely didn't want to do. So he tried closing his eyes - of course, Holly being Holly, she just blew air into his face.

Artemis turned towards again, pouting - a face he would only make in her presence. He saw her laugh - he couldn't hear her, but he knew what it sounded like.

He smiled at her. Colf had left their written romance completely unresolved, and it felt like it was more of an experiment than anything - only lasting one book, and getting just a brief mention in another. Of course, because of that, they had started dating outside the books.

Artemis stuck his tongue out at Holly - a silent challenge. Holly's eyes went wide for a moment before she made another face at him. This time Artemis reciprocated, crossing his eyes and cocking his head to the right.

This continued for some time, with Artemis and Holly - mindful of Foaly - struggling not to laugh at each other. Eventually Holly headbutted Artemis's nose, bringing tears to his eyes. He unconsciously released one of his ears to wipe them, then, hearing a mighty roar, realized - again - how much time had passed.

He turned quickly to his girlfriend. "Holly," he said, allowing a tone of excitement creeping into his voice and pointing vigorously to the screen. "The troll fight!"

**Fowl Manor, Ireland**

Butler circled the troll, gray eyes blazing underneath the visor. In his left hand he carried a kiteshield, and in his right he carried a giant mace.

"Easy, now," he rumbled, swinging the mace with apparent ease. "Step away from the girl." To the troll's right was Juliet, still under the effects of the _mesmer_. If the troll were to turn and strike now, she wouldn't stand a chance.

But the troll had no plans of eating Juliet - not at the moment. It flexed its right arm experimentally, growling as it felt the pain of Butler's recently inflicted welt. Such pain was negligible - but the troll had thrown the human's body into a wall, and now felt wariness and surprise that he was still standing.

"Before we get started," said Butler, still circling and trying to put himself between Juliet and the assailant, "I must tell you that I am _extremely_ dangerous."

The troll growled. The big one had taken a lot of damage and inflicted pain on the troll's body; he would be treated with the same respect as other males in its herd.

It howled, putting all its anger pain-induced rage into the sound. Scare tactics - testing the waters. Butler didn't flinch

"Yeah, yeah," said Butler. "Real scary."

The troll's brow creased, and it looked uncertain. The human seemed unfazed, where others would have turned tail and ran immediately. It hesitated in its circling.

That was when Butler struck. He stepped forward with his left foot, then stepping with his right to deliver a powerful uppercut. The troll's head snapped back, and it tried to retaliate, but Butler had already leaped well back out of range.

The beast growled again, lunging after the human. It brought its right arm back for a hook, but was blocked by the shield. Butler used his mace to parry the troll's left arm, then kicked it in the center of its chest.

He then jabbed the edge of the shield into the troll's throat, before spinning around and sprinting down the linoleum hallway. He discarded the shield, before diving into a roll and rising to face his attacker once again.

"Guess what I found," he growled, before firing the Five-seveN as fast as he could. There were no chest shots this time - only headshots as he unloaded the remaining fifteen rounds into the beast's skull.

Unfortunately, none of the 5.7 millimeter rounds were fatal, as the troll simply howled in pain and tried slapping its own forehead. Butler took it at face value, and holstered the pistol. He took a two-handed grip on the mace, slamming it into side of the troll's head. He then pinned one of its feet into the ground, before relinquishing his grip and going to town with his gauntleted hands.

He first went for the tendons in the legs, bringing the creature down to its knees. He then went to work like a surgeon, delivering blow after blow onto joints and nerve clusters. The pathetic beast attempted to fight back, but its glancing blows failed to penetrate Butler's suit of armor.

But the manservant wasn't finished yet. He stripped off his gauntlets, reaching for the pistol, slamming a fresh magazine home and dropping the slide release.

"You are to be terminated with _extreme prejudice_," he growled, no emotion showing in his voice. He put the barrel underneath the troll's lower jaw, putting a single bullet into its brain.

**The Red Aisle Cinema, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

Butler felt as his heart rate increased during the battle with the troll. He remembered that encounter - and how it had demonstrated the extents Colf could - and would - go to write a story. True, Butler _had_ survived that specific encounter, but it was still terrifying and not something he would be willing to repeat.

_Although_, he thought to himself, _watching it on a big screen is quite enjoyable, despite the terror I remember feeling during that one particular encounter._

**Outside Fowl Manor, Ireland**

Root stared at the screen, mouth open in shock and admiration. He continued to sit that way as he watched the manservant hurl the troll's body out the manor's front door, and took no notice as Foaly approached him.

"Unbelievable," said the technical consultant, peering over Root's shoulder.

The commander could only nod mutely.

* * *

Outside the operations center, Cudgeon was trying to dodge responsibility.

"Your officer helped the humans!" he blustered, trying to struggle out of the detainers' grips. "She attacked my deputy!"

Root's composure went out the window. "Shut up!" he snapped, quickly closing the distance between him and the former Acting Commander until they were barely noses apart. "One of my best Recon officers is in there right now, doing what she thinks is best." His voice was low and menacing. "You have done nothing except attempt to further your own career without _any_ regard for life or the people at risk!"

Cudgeon was cowering in fear at this point, but he still wanted to have the last word. "All the same-"

Root whipped around, eyes blazing. "SHUT UP!" he roared, making the disgraced officer jump. "You are the _worst_ low life I have ever known! The LEP is for those who wish to _help_ others; you belong on the streets! Take him away!" The last comment was directed at the two stoic elves standing at Cudgeon's side, who frog-marched him to a waiting shuttle.

Root turned towards Foaly at this point. "Right, now that _that's_ dealt with," he said, back in command. "Send in the gold!"

**The Red Aisle Cinema, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

Foaly - for the first time since the movie began - turned slowly towards Opal. At the same time, she turned towards him, their eyes wide as they looked at each other.

"Wow," breathed Opal.

"Julius never even got that angry with _me_," replied Foaly.

A few seconds passed in silence.

"It's terrifying," said Opal.

Foaly nodded in return. "It really is."

**Fowl Manor, Ireland**

"You're crazy!"

Artemis looked up to see Captain Short descending from the ceiling.

He raised an eyebrow. "Am I?"

The elfin soldier nodded vigorously. "_Nobody_ can escape the time field!"

He sighed resignedly, before saying, "Captain Short, look into my eyes and tell me I can't escape the time field."

She complied, looking into the icy blue that represented her captor and his cool, calculating behavior.

She saw no doubt there.

At this point, Butler arrived, leading a _mesmer_-free Juliet by the arm. "Gold's here," he said, in a gruff voice.

Holly tried to reason once more. "I have magic - you won't escape the bio-bomb. Surely there is something!"

Suddenly Artemis's brow creased. He turned towards Butler and Juliet. "Go to the gold. Check for traps and ensure it is authentic. I...I must speak with Captain Short alone."

Butler hesitated, then nodded. He could tell something was on Artemis's mind.

Artemis turned back to Holly. "Now, Captain," he began, suddenly looking like a tired, old man. "About your magic."

**Outside Fowl Manor, Ireland**

"Commander!"

Root looked up at the approaching officer.

"Yes, Corporal?"

"It's the captain, sir!" Root's heart rate started quickening at this. "What about her?"

"She's coming out!"

The commander sprinted out of the operations center, and headed towards the manor. He could see a Retrieval team already all over Captain Short, spraying her with various anti-rad foams.

They snapped to attention as he approached.

"At ease." He eyed Holly as he grabbed her by the shoulders. "Are you alright?"

She nodded. "As well as I could ever be."

Root gave a sigh of relief at that, before noticing the cart of gold some ten meters away. "Gods above...did you-"

Holly shook her head. "No, only about half."

Root waved his hand dismissively, checking the timer. "Doesn't matter. Five minutes till blue rinse." With that, he left Holly to her own devices, returning to operations center. He picked up the intercom and barked, "Blue rinse in five! All personnel, away from ground zero. All personnel, away from ground zero."

**Fowl Manor, Ireland**

"What was that about?"

Butler looked at his principal quizzically, but Artemis waved the question aside.

"Not important," he said, rubbing his eyes as he walked to the kitchen. "But now it is finally over."

"I think," he continued as he withdrew a bottle of champagne, "that we should celebrate our victory."

**Outside Fowl Manor, Ireland**

"Let's move it, people!"

Root was shouting orders as the technical fairies moved back from the blast zone of the bio-bomb. "I want everyone back to an SD! The bomb is live in three minutes and I don't want anyone dying today!"

**Fowl Manor, Ireland**

"Now I know I am a minor, but I think mother would understand - just for today." Artemis poured three glasses - one for himself, one for Butler, and one for Juliet. "It certainly was an exciting adventure - one that has made all of us much wealthier."

Butler exchanged glances with his sister, a little wary. "Artemis," he began, "you want us to drink this, don't you?"

Artemis looked into the eyes of his bodyguard steadily. "Yes, Butler, I do."

Without another word, Butler and Juliet downed their glasses. By the look on Butler's face, he had tasted the tranquilizer immediately, but he was otherwise emotionless as he sank to the floor. Artemis took longer to do so, swirling the drug as he thought about the day's events. Eventually he, too took his drink, laying down before the drug could take effect.

**Outside Fowl Manor, Ireland**

"It's away!"

The fairies watched with bated breath as the bio-bomb flew into the manor's front doors and exploded in brilliant flash of blue.

Root and Foaly nodded in satisfaction.

In the meantime, Captain Kelp was helping Captain Short suit up. She had to go back in with Retrieval to identify Fowl's body, and help with loading the gold back onto the cart.

"We good to go, Captain?" That was Root on the team chat.

"Yessir."

"Very well, Trouble. You've got the green light, but stay quiet. Fowl may be dead, but he may still have booby traps all over the place."

"Understood, sir. Over and out."

The black-clad Retrieval squad approached the manor's front doors. Trouble nodded to Holly to take point. She rounded the corner, rifle up. She started leading the way to her cell when she heard a retching noise behind her.

The look on her face went from shock to horror as the rest of the elves started throwing up as they crossed the parapet. The effects of the _geis_ - entering a human dwelling without permission. That meant…

Holly sprinted to her cell, all thoughts of stealth forgotten. She sprinted down the hallway where the troll fight had been. She sprinted past the rows of Fowls staring down at her, smiling in triumph. She sprinted until she came to the basement, looking into her concrete cell.

There stood the gold, stacked neatly by Butler's hand. Holly felt a moment of weakness as she realized that a human - a _12-year-old_ human - had outsmarted the entirety of the People. She fell to her knees, hands clenched in fists, as she screamed into the air.

Artemis opened his eyes groggily, putting a hand on the kitchen counter to steady himself. He noticed Butler standing to the side, a hard look on his face. He settled himself into a chair holding his head until the headache subsided, and looked at his manservant. He sighed.

"I supposed you are waiting for an explanation."

Butler gave a single, almost imperceptible nod.

"Very well." Artemis cleared his throat. "The time field was the LEP's ace in the hold. It is why they were - until now - undefeatable. I had to find a way to beat it if we were to win." He paused as he stretched his neck. "The Book had nothing on how to escape it - it seemed as if not even the People had found a way. Except." Artemis paused, allowing a triumphant smile to light his features. "Except, they _had_, with Santa Claus."

Butler's eyebrows shot up at that.

"Yes, I, too, was skeptical at the time. However, Santa Claus - or, at least who he originally was - is a real person. San D'Klass was the third king of the Frond Elfin dynasty. He thought human greed could be countered by delivering gifts once a year. Of course, this could only be done through massive time-stops, and when humans were asleep.

"Now you are probably wondering why we humans never woke up. The reason is, they _couldn't_. Your consciousness is at the state as it enters the time field. We were awake, so we have been feeling exhausted even though our minds have not allowed us to sleep. The idea is to force one's consciousness to change - for us, that meant going to sleep. I tested my theory on my mother with sleeping pills and she had simply vanished from the monitors. That-" he said with a flick of his forefinger. "-is how we dropped out of the time field. That is how we won."

Butler remained silent for a while, staring at his principal. Artemis began to show worry on his brow when he started chuckling - a deep, rumbling chuckle that came from within the manservant's chest. Never before had Artemis heard Butler chuckle.

"We won."

Artemis smiled. "Yes, Butler, we won."

Butler shook his head in amazement. "Artemis Fowl, the first human to successfully separate a fairy from its gold."

Artemis nodded, all of a sudden feeling all of the night's excitement become exhaustion in his bones.

"But Artemis?"

He looked up. "Yes, Butler?"

"Never again. Fairies are too...human."

Artemis closed his eyes. "Agreed."

Suddenly, the door started creaking open. Butler became serious again, saying, "Artemis, get behind me," and drew his weapon.

"Arty?"

Artemis jumped in shock as the door opened wider. "Arty, are you there?"

Butler released his grip on the trigger as Artemis peered around his bodyguard. He gaped for a moment - for once at a loss of words - before saying one thing.

"Mother".

**The Red Aisle Cinema, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

As the credits rolled, each member of the party did different things. Butler stood up, stretching his arms and cracking his neck as he walked towards the front of the theater. Artemis and Holly kept pushing each other down as they tried to get up. Opal squealed, babbling on how good a movie it was despite its human origins.

Foaly, though, frowned a bit. He turned to Butler, who was the only one at the moment who could engage in a proper conversation.

"Something's not right."

"What?" Butler stopped, cocking his head quizzically. He was still thinking about the way the movie portrayed him - how he was made into a completely emotionless soldier with gray eyes.

Foaly gestured to the screen as the credits kept rolling. "Mulch. What happened to him? I mean - a human studio like this would want to make another installment. Where's the part where he steals the gold?"

Butler rolled his eyes and snorted. "You're worried about _that_? Honestly, that's pretty insignificant when compared to other aspects of the plot. If they make _The Arctic Incident_, it'll probably be a prologue or something."

Foaly's face fell. He wanted the _entire_ story, not just 99% of the story. Then his face lit up again. "What if they made a post-credits scene?"

Butler snorted again. "Oh, please. Marvle ruined that by putting one in each-"

"'E can't half chuck it, can't'e, Chix?"

Foaly turned to the screen and grinned. "What was that about post-credits scenes?"

**Outside Fowl Manor, Ireland**

"'E can't half chuck it, can't'e, Chix?"

Chix grinned at his companion, mimicking Captain Kelp's vomiting technique. They looked at each other for a moment, before turning back to the manor and laughing. Behind them, a hole opened as Mulch Diggum's head popped up. He released his remaining gas in his tunnel before appropriating around two dozen bars of gold, giving a disbelieving grin and a shake of the head before heading back down the tunnel.

**The Red Aisle Cinema, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

Foaly nodded, now satisfied. "_Now_ it's the entire story," he proclaimed. "Anyway. we should go - we've got lots more to do!"

He trotted over to Artemis and Holly, who were still poking and jabbing each other, and separated them. "Come on, you two," he muttered, going for the stern parent approach. "Let's get a move on. We've got lunch next, then a full afternoon of nothingness."

Holly rolled her eyes. "Yes, _Mum_." Nonetheless, she allowed herself to be led out of the cinema, followed by Artemis, Opal, and Butler. They passed the extravagant decorations and the beautifully decorated hallways, reaching the foyer. They passed the usher sprite, who bowed and wished them a good day, before heading back out into the streets of Haven.


	4. Chapter 3: The Meat of the Story

**CHAPTER 3**

_**THE MEAT OF THE STORY**_

**The Boulevard of Kings, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now**

**The** group blinked its various human and fairy eyes as it exited the theater, trying to reaccustom to the somewhat bright light strips overhead. Though the movie certainly was enjoyable - and definitely deserved the 9.5 out of 10 rating given on the surface - it was always nice to get blood in the legs circulating again.

"Right," said Butler, producing a series of cringeworthy cracks and pops from his neck. "What's next?"

Opal perked up. "Lunch!"

Her remark elicited identical snorts from Holly and Artemis, a snicker from Foaly, and a raised eyebrow from Butler. They all knew of the pixie's ravenous appetite - in fact, Opal once literally ate a horse (which she described as "not bad, but not as good as beef") - and seeing her in such obvious anticipation was more than amusing.

Opal, who was well aware of her rather unladylike trait, stuck her tongue out at the group in general.

"What?" she asked, eyes challenging them to pass comment. "A girl's gotta eat to grow."

"Well, then, you have a lot of eating to do," Butler murmured in a whisper that was in no way quiet, setting everyone else laughing.

The small-statured pixie gave a _hmph_ of playful annoyance before holding her head high with as much dignity as she could muster, before turning briskly and walking down the street.

Foaly chuckled as he led the rest of the group, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye. "Come now, Opal," he said, pulling her back. "Don't be like that. We need to find somewhere to eat."

Artemis rolled his eyes. "Foaly, this is _Opal _we're talking about," he drawled. "She'll eat _anywhere_."

Foaly shrugged, conceding the point. "True that," he replied. He scratched his chin as he thought about nearby places to eat.

Holly snapped her fingers. "What about that Italian place on Thallen?"

Opal scoffed. "Are you kidding? I can barely get a proper meal there. Besides, it's hella expensive."

Holly laughed and punched her playfully in the arm. "That's okay, Arty's paying."

Artemis looked up in mock hurt. "Don't I get a say in this?"

The elf stretched up and kissed him on the cheek. "Absolutely not."

Opal let out a small huff of exasperation at the couple, turning away. She would never admit it, but she was jealous of them and how they acted around each other. She had had her eye on Mervall Brill for a while now, but so far he only wanted a strictly professional relationship. That didn't mean she had given up, though; some of her character's stubbornness had rubbed off on her, and she was always thinking of new ways to get him to notice her.

Butler was responding to Holly's suggestion. "I don't think a fancy Italian restaurant would suit our group and our varying appetites and attitudes."

Holly nodded, biting her lip and thinking. Eighty-odd years living in Haven had led to a library's worth of knowledge of restaurants, street food, and other concealed corners with legal or less-than-legal food in her brain, but Holly was having trouble thinking of a relaxed, casual place that could serve a group of _Artemis Fowl_'s most famous characters. In addition, many of her and Artemis's favorite places were fairy-sized, where he usually had to stoop to fit underneath the buildings' ceilings. Obviously, this meant these joints were out of the question, since there would be no way Butler could fit in one.

"Got it."

Every head turned to look at Foaly, who had been consulting for suggestions on his phone. Colf had gone almost all out in designing Foaly's phone with a global positioning system, an underground positioning system, mi-ps, and multiple security bypasses, so of course the centaur had taken advantage of this and turned it into his own personal phone for outside of work.

Now he folded out the screen so it faced everyone else. A map of downtown Haven appeared. He tapped a "Show Location" button on the screen, and a red circle started pulsating softly on one of the roads.

Artemis peered closely at the screen, squinting slightly to read the tiny Gnommish text. He raised an eyebrow when he read the description. "An all-you-can-eat barbeque buffet?" he asked with slight misgivings (Opal, on the other hand, perked up immediately, eyes wide). "Wouldn't something so heavy and meaty be better suited for the evening, where people are stupid and carefree?"

Foaly snorted and was about to give an acid retort about finding some other place to eat when Butler spoke. "Artemis," he said in his deep, gravelly voice. "We had _cheeseburgers_ for breakfast."

The teenage boy opened his mouth in an automatic reflex to argue, but stopped and nodded, conceding the point.

He turned to Foaly. "How far is it?"

Foaly tapped another button on the screen. This time, a yellow circle started pulsating softly, right where the group was standing - next to the Red Aisle Cinema. The red dot was some three blocks away, on the Haven Main.

"This yellow is where we're standing - next to the Red Aisle Cinema," began Foaly unnecessarily. "The red dot is some three blocks away, on the Haven Main."

Holly, Artemis, and Opal rolled their eyes simultaneously at Foaly's statement of the obvious. It would have been a sight to behold, had there been anyone else to behold it.

"How long?" That was Butler, trying to study the map. He could speak and understand Gnommish to a somewhat fluent level - nowhere near Artemis, of course, but enough to get by - but reading was a completely different matter. He was unable to figure out the travelling time that ExtensiveChoice was giving, and the map showed no scale for distance.

_Although_, he thought wryly, _I wouldn't be able to read that either._

Foaly checked the screen. "Ten minutes on foot," he announced, shooting dirty looks at the younger members of the group at their growing silliness.

The prospect of a definite plan - of meat - got everyone's mouths watering and stomachs growling. Foaly and Butler led them on, following his phone's built-in HPS (Haven Positioning System) and attempting to make some mature conversation, while Artemis, Holly, and Opal followed and babbled about whatever came to their minds.

Ten minutes and twenty seconds later, the group found the restaurant (actually, they had determined its location a minute earlier; the mouthwatering smell it emanated had led them directly to it). It was a rather modest building; big and imposing, certainly, capable of holding many customers of all shapes and sizes, but precisely ramshackle enough to make it feel homey.

Opal's eyes had gone as wide as dinner plates and she unconsciously leaned forward. Artemis noticed the movement and mentioned it in a whisper to Holly, sharing a stifled giggled with her.

Inside, the group quickly realized that it certainly was an all-you-can-eat barbeque buffet. On the right wall was a giant line of various roasted, grilled, and fried animals, all being tended to by a large team of culinary sprites. On the left were the tables, designed to accommodate up to eight individuals and stocked with chairs that could be adjusted to suit the needs of any species.

The back of the building, however, was what really got the group's attention. For starters, there was no wall, and the structural support on this side came from vertical beams placed unobtrusively to either side. Past the threshold was a large field ("Where did they get a field?" asked Foaly in wonder), with various charcoal, petrol, and electric grills lined along the perimeter. In the center were tables after tables of various meats, many of which were largely unknown to the human population.

Of course, this was a barbeque restaurant - so the heavy, spiced fragrances of the various ribs, shanks, legs, tongues, wings, stomachs, and flanks on the grill wafted over the group. It was a scent that would set anyone's and everyone's mouths watering.

At this point, Butler had to have his hand firmly on Opal's collar to prevent her from running off.

Foaly approached the receptionist, a large gnome dressed like a southern American, complete with a cowboy hat.

"Howdy," he said in an appropriately southern American accent, immediately drawing raised eyebrows from Butler, Artemis, and Holly. "Wha' can I do ya for?"

"Er, table for five, please," said Foaly, a little unsettled by and unfamiliar with the use of the Gift of Tongues to change accents.

"Sure, par'ner," the gnome drawled, oblivious to the others' reactions. "Will tha' be inside 'r ou'side?"

"What's closer to the meat?" That was Opal, still struggling against Butler's iron grip.

The gnome fixed an appraising eye on her. "Why, ou'side, 'course, l'il lady!" He turned back to Foaly.

The centaur shrugged. "Outside it is, I guess."

The receptionist nodded once. "Alrigh'." He pointed out towards the back. "The tables ou'side are meant for minglin'. Tha' means there ain't no chairs 'n' such. Ya stand wherever ya see a table and tha' makes it easier to talk to people from other tables." He then pointed to a group of servers standing at another table, taking orders from some of the customers. "Tha' there's where ya get drinks. Ya'll notice there ain't no pitchers 'n' the like, so ya'll have to ask 'em if yer thirsty."

Foaly nodded his understanding. "Right. That makes sense." He turned towards Artemis at this point. "Artemis?"

The teen rolled his eyes in mock exasperation as he pulled out his wallet. "Just because I have all the money…"

Holly poked him in the side. "Ah, lighten up, Arty. We _know_ you were written as a rich boy, so take advantage of it."

He laughed. "Definitely. Isn't that something we _all_ do?"

The final cost was significantly lower than it would have been at the Italian place, and Artemis easily covered for five people. Opal - who now had to be restrained by Butler's bear hug - was finally released, and she took off straight towards the meat tables.

Butler let out a low chuckle. "I swear," he said, shaking his head, "Opal is part bloodhound. The way she was straining to go - it was crazy."

Holly elbowed her giant friend in the side. "That's Opal for you, big guy," she said with a large grin.

He rubbed his ribs peevishly. "Did you know that your 'friendly' jabs and pokes are actually quite painful?"

Holly's grin grew even wider as she poked him again. "So?"

As Butler threw a glare towards Holly that would have stopped a troll (to no effect), Opal came back with a plate topped higher than her head. "Hey guys!" she panted. "I got us an appetizer."

Foaly raised an eyebrow. "I see."

Butler took the plate off her hands and she scurried back to get even _more_ meat, leaving Foaly, Artemis, and Holly started looking around for a table to stand at. Eventually they decided on the one in the corner, where it was close enough to the food and the drinks. By this time Opal had returned with another plate and was about to head back for a third when Butler put a firm hand on her shoulder and directed her to the closest grill.

"You know, we actually have to _eat_ this," he rumbled, allowing a slight tinge of amusement to slip into his voice.

Opal blinked twice and grinned. "Right. I knew that." She took a slightly smaller plate, and piled some of the foodstuff on, walking over to the closest electric grill.

While she spent equal amounts of time preparing the meat and eating what was prepared, Artemis and Foaly locked eyes. Butler noticed the motion, and let out a long, pained groan. The two genii ignored him, before taking deep breaths.

"_Halo_."

"_Star Wars_."

Holly perked up. "What's this about?"

Butler heaved a resigned sigh - the first sign in a long time of his five decades - as he turned towards her and braced himself for another argument. "Oh, these two nerds are simply discussing whether the combined force of the Star Wars universe would win out or the Halo universe would win out."

And then, to Butler's eternal despair, Holly immediately said, "_Halo_."

"What?!" said Foaly.

"Aha!" said Artemis.

Holly shrugged nonchalantly. "First of all, the physics in _Halo_ are more believable than those in _Star Wars_. Wait!" she interjected, holding up a finger before Foaly could protest. "Yes, there's all the Forerunner tech and the seven-dimensional slipspace and the acceleration of Master Chief's evolution in the span of like half a minute, but you're a freaking centaur, Foaly, and I'm a meter-tall elf dating a human. _Magic_ exists in our world, so why shouldn't all-powerful, physics-bending beings exist in a fictional world?"

Foaly frowned deeply. "But by the same token, why shouldn't there exist a universal power that is a direct result of microscopic organisms?"

Holly bowed her head in acknowledgement. "I never said there couldn't," she replied. "I just said that it's easier to understand a world where the physics are more or less correct."

Foaly snorted at that, drawing a dirty look from Artemis.

"Are you implying," the teen said with heavy sarcasm, "that the physics of faster-than-light travel and a machine capable of instantaneously converting matter to energy and back again are more believable than more-or-less real physics?"

"_Halo_ does not have 'more-or-less' real physics!" Foaly retorted. "Fine, I'll give you hardlight and magnetically directed plasma. But what about time travel? And telekinesis? You can't just base all the unexplained on the Forerunners' intelligence; there's a point where it stops being incredible knowledge and power and where it starts being excuses to do anything."

At this point, Butler was pondering the soundproofing effects of raw beef and how hard it would be to dig it out of his ears later on.

Holly snapped her fingers and pointed a finger at Foaly. "But the powers of Forerunners are somewhat limited in _Halo_ media, especially compared with the beings who live on Mortis. In fact, you know what the Son's Wookiepedia page states in the first paragraph? That his family was a dynasty of immortal Force-sensitive beings who transcended the physical plane of existence. Really? 'Immortal'? 'Transcended the physical plane of existence'?"

"I'm back!" sang Opal, waddling slightly under the weight of a mountain of cooked meat. Foaly muttered his thanks as he took a rib before turning back towards Artemis and Holly.

"Look-"

"Enough."

Butler had his head in his hands. He fixed the debaters with a baleful eye, locking gazes with each one of them. "Artemis, Foaly, you two have been arguing about this since 8 or so. Give it a rest already. Let's talk about something else. Games. News. _Politics_ even."

At Butler's last suggestion, Opal mimed a vomiting motion.

"_Politics_? Wow, Butler, these three must have really annoyed you to the point where you've become desperate enough to talk about politics."

The giant Eurasian nodded tiredly. "Yes," he sighed, running his hand over his shaven crown. "Yes, they have."

Holly stuck her tongue out at him. "Hey, I just joined." She tilted her head to one side, thinking about something, then turned to Artemis.

"Hey, Arty, do you know anything about our last book?"

Every head turned toward the main character, making him hesitate slightly at the sudden increase in attention.

"Ah...yes. Yes, I do."

Opal's eyebrows went up. "Well, why didn't you say so?"

The teenage boy rubbed the back of his head ruefully. "I don't have all the details yet. Just an idea and that Opal's supposed to become a goddess."

"What?"

Foaly had gone off to get a drink, and was walking back with a glass of lemonade in his hand. He had missed Holly's question, and had stopped in his tracks, confused as to why Opal was supposed to be a goddess.

Artemis shrugged. "Do you guys really want to know?"

"Yes!" Butler was now fully intrigued, unconsciously leaning in towards Artemis.

"Yeah," added Opal, whose eyes had gone huge again. "I'm supposed to be a _goddess_?"

"Well, yeah." Artemis pulled out his phone, opening up the message he had received from Colf. "Look - it says you're supposed to kill your past self, which turns you into what is basically pure energy. He also said that there's going to be something about Mulch riding a troll and me actually cheating death - I dunno what that means - and that it's supposed to end in such a way that other people can write fanfictions about us."

Foaly raised an eyebrow. "In other words, we'll have some sort of closure, but it's gonna be really open-ended."

Artemis nodded. "Yeah, that's about right."

"Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see." Foaly reached for a plate of noodles, rubbing his chin as he thought about what was to come.

Artemis, sensing that the excitement had died down a little, turned towards his girlfriend.

"So, Holly," he began, brushing his hand through her hair, "have you played _Destiny_ yet?"

**Syngnal Avenue, Haven City, the Lower Elements; 90 minutes later**

90 minutes, a round of _Truth or Dare_, and an extended discussion about the year's selection of video games later, the group left the restaurant, stomachs slightly distended and in varying degrees of comfort.

They waved at the gnome manning the counter - "Y'all come back soon, now, y'hear?" - before deciding what to do next.

"Okay then," said Foaly, pulling out his planner. "Here's where we split in case you want time alone or if you need to do something productive. Meet back at Police Plaza at 7 for dinner with the troops, and then we'll go to the fireworks show together."

He flipped his phone closed. "I need to get some things ready for Mayne's surprise party, so it's probably better if I go alone." He waved goodbye to everyone else before trotting off down the street.

Butler looked down at Opal. "These two-" He gestured at Artemis and Holly, who were already resuming their poking battle. "-are gonna be _inseparable_, and I don't fancy going off alone, so why don't you come with me?"

The tiny pixie nodded enthusiastically. "Okay! And it'll give me plenty of opportunity to ask about _your_ love life."

Butler raised an eyebrow. "It will."

He waved goodbye at the young couple (who took no notice), before walking down the street, Opal in tow.

Holly saw Butler's receding back and started raising a hand in farewell.

Big mistake.

Artemis took her distraction as his chance and got her once more under the ribs, pulling away before she had a chance to react.

She pouted in his direction, holding her sides. "No fair!"

He pressed his forehead to his, gazing slightly manically into her eyes. "All's fair in love and war, my dear."

Nonetheless, he relented, turning her around in his arms so he could rest his chin on her shoulder. "Where do you wanna go?" he asked, holding his phone in front of them both.

"Hmm…" Holly scrolled the map on-screen in a spiral motion, trying to find the best attractions closest to them.

"Oh!" She spotted something interesting just under a mile from their current position. "A new arcade!" She pulled out of her boyfriend's reach, phone in hand as she raced down the block. "Let's go!"

"Wait-" Artemis stumbled a bit, catching himself just before he hit the ground. "Holly!" He shook his head at her receding figure, chuckling slightly to himself before breaking into a sprint after her.


	5. Author's notes

**Author's notes:**

I've decided to clean this part up, and keep my two notes approach - i.e., one 'Author's notes' and one 'Chapter notes'. That way I can give my own overview of the story, as well as chapter-by-chapter notes.

Firstly, this idea came to me in the middle of _Dull Moments_, which, by the way, needs a new name. If you have a suggestion, please let me know. Anyway, while I was writing that story, the basic concept of the story came to me, so I quickly wrote the passage that would eventually become the prologue.

It's kind of a mix between _The Truman Show_ and _Wreck-It Ralph_, where some parts are real like in _WIR_, where respawning is a way of life (which is ironic, if you think about it), and others are special effects, like the entire world in _TTS_. The characters know that they are part of a fictional piece of work, but they're not necessarily actors.

And that's where writing this becomes really hard. While I didn't want to kill off anyone, I couldn't just say, "Oh, Julius Root walked in with a cold beer and Ray Ban sunglasses." That would imply that he's not really an LEP officer, and that he's just an actor. I did manage to manage it, making it so that 'deceased' operatives could still work for the LEP.

The next tricky part was how to describe the world. When Colfer ('Colf' in this story. says that I can't mention anyone living, so I changed all the names. The other names I changed are Scarlett Johansson and Liam Neeson) writes, I tried to make it so that it was like there was a camera on the world. In a real novel, this is kind of true; there is a 'camera' wherever the author decides to write about the action, so I implemented that into this story.

Finally, there were the characters themselves. Every character has something changed about them, to make this story seem very lopsided and silly, especially since we know what their real personalities are. You can figure out the changes for yourselves, but for the most part the characters are only slightly different from their in-book selves. The biggest change was probably Opal, who went from psychotic to easily distracted.

I won't be writing stories in this schedule anymore, though. It makes me feel too obligated to stick to an actual schedule, which is absurd, considering all the things that high school seniors under the American education system (such as myself) have to do right now. I've got college apps, tests, SATs, and such to deal with, so I've had a rather haphazard system this past month. In the future, I'll _finish_ my stories first before even uploading the first chapter. That way, I'll have better scheduling control, and I won't feel tempted to abandon a story in the middle (not that I do right now).

Oh, yes, one last thing. Please review. I prefer writing formal, nonfiction pieces (op-eds, persuasive pieces, lab reports, etc.) because of my scientific interests, and writing fiction is not one of my strong suits. Knowing me, I'll probably make things feel too choppy and formal without realizing it, so I'm relying on you - the readers - to tell me everything that's good about it, everything that's bad about it, and what general changes I can make or what suggestions you have for future stories.


	6. Chapter 4 preview and update

"...he proclaimed triumphantly that really made Holly want to punch him."

**Author's****notes:**

Yep, that's Holly and Artemis, all right. Even if they weren't in this alternate universe, that's still how they would act.

Hello, people. I'm not dead!

I've just had a real busy month (wow, has it really been a month?).

Firstly, there was Occupy Central, which is a _huge_ thing for me, since I live in Hong Kong. You really should look it up, for two main reasons. One, Hong Kong never - and I repeat, _never_ - has such an event like this. A protesting crowd of what happened the first week (the week before October 1st, which is the Chinese National Day) hasn't been seen since basically the British handover of 1997, and I don't think violent force has ever been used in recent history (police used tear gas and pepper spray on one of the first nights, which really enraged the crowds and forced Hong Kong's economic centers to a standstill). I stopped following a couple of weeks ago, but I think there rumors about something like the government hiring Chinese Triads to harass police and make the protests less justified.

Anyway, the second reason is Hong Kong is setting a world example in the aims and the execution of the protest. For one, the protestors really wanted to stay nonviolent. There are pictures of volunteers sweeping the streets (and one really iconic one of a guy with two umbrellas standing in the midst of tear gas), a story of how they set up a 'humanitarian passage' for emergency vehicles, and just overall nonviolence. In fact, I think any violence that's come out of this has either been on the police end, or ANTI-Occupy protestors (if you're keeping track, that means there are three factions: pro-Occupy, and police and anti-Occupy, which do not necessarily agree with each other).

In terms of the aims of the movement, Hong Kongers want full democracy. This is really crucial, though I don't think China's backing down at all. In 2017, voting will change to a psuedo-democratic approach, where we can elect who we want to be leader but then China has to approve. This really rubbed a lot of people the wrong way, since (I think) China promised to leave HK alone for fifty years. This meant, of course, that students (who are Hong Kong's future) made up the bulk of the protests; in fact, the leader was just 17 years old at the start of the movement.

Personally, I'm not sure how I feel about this. Part of me says that Occupy was a good thing, because I feel that the Chinese government is quite corrupt (though it may just be local branches), but another part of me really doesn't care because I will likely be in the States by the time voting reforms happen. Besides; it will take a long time - if ever - for HK's culture to change. Most people will be unaffected.

But I digress. Why I've been missing for a month.

As many of you know, I've been complaining about college apps. Well, guess what? They're done! :D

...The earlies, at least.

But that's okay! I've suddenly got a load less work, which means I'll be finishing this story soon. In the future, I promise to finish stories before I publish them so you won't be waiting like this again.

So yeah. A quick (or not so quick) update for you people. Chapter 4 is - again - inspired by _Avatar_, but I hope it turns out well.


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